THOUGHTS ON MARRIAGE

I got married to my husband because I fell in love with him… My mom always said that love is not enough to make a marriage work, you need to find someone whose faults you can live with… I used to tell anyone who would listen what my mom always said to me and I believed it with all my heart. Until I found out some of my husband’s faults that he had kept hidden from me. Now I think that my mom was wrong…. You shouldn’t marry the person you can live with… you should marry the person you can’t live without……

More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse. I do not regret getting married to my husband, however, I do regret things I have done during our marriage. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. Albert Einstein once said,      “Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.”

Anything that a person is forced to change about himself or herself; will eventually revert to the way it was before the change was coerced. When change is unwillingly imposed on a person, it causes resentment. While at the same time, refusal to adhere to reasonable modifications can produce just as much resentment.

I have no idea why society makes it more difficult to acquire a license to drive a car than they do to obtain a license to get married. Being in a marriage is far more dangerous than operating a vehicle. I strongly believe that couples should be required to pass a test to prove that they are in agreement with each other concerning essential, conjugal fundamentals. We impose age restrictions on individuals because the consumption of alcohol requires mature decision making abilities, yet the only maturity level required to get married is independence from custodial guidance, regardless of whether the independence is deserved.

Remember that a successful marriage depends on two things… finding the right person and most importantly, being the right person.

A MOTHERS THOUGHTS

ALL I DO IS LISTEN BUT THIS IS  A MOM IN AGONY FOR HER CHILD.  FIRST IT BREAKS MY HEART, THEN I CRY, AND THEN I PRAY THAT I AM BEING JUST WHAT I CAN BE TO HER....JUST A VERY HELPLESS FRIEND.
THIS IS KAREN'S JOURNEY HER THOUGHTS..

Things I never thought I would do, say, or hear:

I was wheeling my daughter through the airport coming home from the craniocervical fusion. She is in a wheelchair, two foot long incision complete with stitches and staples, in a cervical collar. Someone comes up to me and says, "is there something wrong with her?".

I have prayed for vomit. When I first learned that Nicole would continue to go down hill until she had her skull fused to her neck, I prayed for vomit. If you have to crump, do it now, let's get this over with. Start vomiting and they will fix you right now. Forget the traction stuff. Please God give me vomit. She started vomiting! How many people get prayers of vomit answered? Wait a minute. How many people have ever prayed for their child to start throwing up?

I have stood in line at the grocery store and envisioned an MRI image of the brain of the person in front of me. I have thought, what do your brain tonsils look like? How big is your cerebellum? Does everything fit in there? Somewhat akin to how one would casually glance at the size of someone's butt and try to fit it into the realm of the bell curve of butt size. Now we won't admit we do this but we all do such things....... It feels normal to look at people heads and envision the brain within. I don't look at people butts or hair any more. Just their brains.

 I have looked at the back of my kids head and immediately thought of Frankenstein. I think she has more stitches in her head.

I have thought of installing a permanent zipper, or some sort of more permanent opening devise to try and avoid the multiple incisions every time they have to go back in. Velcro? Automatic garage door type hatch?

I have lived some scenes of my life that I think are actually misplaced scenes from a movie, and they were not really happening to me. The "stop the plane my child is dying" episode recently comes to mind as my kid was spiraling into a dangerous place fast, just as they closed the hatch door on the plane. We got off the plane and went to the ER. Nicole rapidly dropping her oxygen sats and her eyes rolling into her head in the ICU and everyone rushing in with fury like in an episode of ER. Every bell and beeping devise imaginable is ringing. She only stopped breathing for a short while they say..... This isn't really happening to me........must be a movie. Can I rewind now?

I keep strange statistics in my head that seem normal to me. 23 hours of brain surgery total, (oh...28 if you add in Kristina's surgery). 5 days in the ICU this time, not 2 like the last time, 1 the last two times. 42 stitches. 18 stitches. 5 brain surgeries on two teenagers this year. 25 days without eating. 1 kidney, 3 heart, 4 brain surgeries. What's next? 

GUIDING ANGELS AMONG US

One morning Maila woke up with a start. She had seen a vivid dream of a child. She could not remember was the child a boy or a girl, all she could remember were the huge big tired eyes of a lonely child pleading for love and the voice that cried out "Find me!"

Maila was one of those people who used all her free time to help others. You could see her feeding old people at the old people´s homes. She was the one who pushed the wheelchairs of those the nurses and families had no time for. She made sure everyone got a spin on the dance floor at the wheel-chair dance events of the old and handicapped. She sat by the bedside of the old and dying, and attended their funerals when no one else came.

She showered everyone with tiny gifts. She wrote poems and songs. She had the biggest heart and hug - and she had the blessing on healing hands. She cured many ailments with her touch and prayer, and did it all in quiet, never bragging about it. The others did that for her even though she would have wanted to do her helping without raising attention to herself. But it is hard to keep an angel a secret and so the word spread, bringing even more people in need of help to her attention. And she helped them all.

Still, even though she was used to people in distress, she was shaken by the dream of the tired eyes. Who was this lonely child that was calling for her? Where could she find him or her?

Because of her frequent visits at the hospitals and old people´s homes she had made many friends among the nurses. She told of her dream to one of them. Maila had no driver´s license and this nurse immediately said she would drive her around as long as it took Maila to find the lonely child of her dream. The nurse was certain the child would be in an institution. It made sense because Maila was spending all her time in such institutions.

And so they started searching. First they drove to every local hospital and institution where there were children. They visited the wards and met the children. Maila felt awkward because she had no idea what the child would look like. All she could do was to trust her feelings. She did not find her child.

Then they started driving in ever expanding circles, going to other towns and cities. They did this for weeks. The tired eyes of her dream were vivid in Maila´s mind. She was not going to give up her search. Somewhere there was a soul who had cried out for her and she would find that child.

Then one day they decided to visit an institution for severly handicapped children that was located 70 km away. This institution housed children that were so badly handicapped they could not be taken care of at home. Many of the children had been abandoned as babies. There were stories of mothers who never told their new husbands they had had a handicapped child.

Maila felt such sorrow when she saw these children. Most of them could not talk or move on their own. They were sitting or lying in their beds with stick thin crooked limbs. The nurses here were wonderful and tried to do their best to keep the children happy and show them love. But like everywhere else - there was never enough nurses to tend to them all with the love they so needed. The nurses also had tired eyes.

They walked into yet another room. Maila looked around and greeted the children even though she knew they could not answer her.

And then she saw the tired eyes she had been looking for. Huge violet blue eyes staring at her from a bed. They belonged to a girl who was as light as a whisper, thin, crooked. She looked like a little beautiful butterfly someone had crushed and tossed away. She could not speak but looked at Maila with such longing in her eyes Maila recognized her immediately.

Maila went to her, stroked her shiny dark short hair and kissed her on the cheek.

- There you are! she said, - I finally found you!

And the girls eyes were so full of joy no one dared to doubt they were meant to find each other. All the love she could not express with her words, was written in her eyes

MY INDIAN MAN

THIS IS OUTCOME OF A GIRLS NIGHT OUT....OUR THOUGHTS AND SUGGESTIONS

My Indian Man likes to tease me sometimes by saying I'm his "Holiday in Goa". To this I just laugh and roll my eyes. I know I'm not, so he can tease all he wants. Goa is a popular vacation spot located on the west coast of India. It attracts hundreds of thousands of both international and domestic tourists each year. I first heard of it and the concept of having a holiday in Goa in a movie I watched with my Indian Man titled Outsourced.

To have a holiday in Goa is to have a love affair before one enters their arranged marriage. If you're not in a relationship with an Indian man or a man that is expected to have an arranged marriage, you may be wondering how this pertains to you.

My fellow women, it pertains to us all! You don't want to be your man's holiday in Goa, do you? You don't want to be putting your heart and soul into a relationship in which he's already seen the end beyond the horizon - do you? When I first met my Indian Man, we were exchanging a series of emails. I learned from these emails that he had a very traditional upbringing and that he was not against having an arranged marriage. So how can I be sure that when he teases me about being his holiday in Goa that it really is just that - a tease?

My answer for you is that my Indian Man has been extremely open and honest with me from the very beginning. He has created a net around our love filled with trust. Surprisingly there are no holes in this net. Not one single hole to let one bit of trust escape. You may be wondering how I can be so sure about his honesty. He's proved it by example, examples that are continuous in their nature.

Trust is one of those things that when it is lost between a couple very rarely ever comes back again the same. I'm not suggesting if you caught your man in a lie that the relationship is doomed, but I am saying I bet you will never feel the same way as you did about him again. This is a sad moment in a relationship, the heart never recovers. And my heart breaks for those of you who are dealing with mistrust in your relationship on a daily basis. I have gone through this, I know many friends who have gone or are currently going through this, and I am here to tell you that you deserve better.

If you are more than just a holiday in Goa to your man, all the signs will be there. Below are my opinion of 10, but the list could go on and on.

1. Speaking of lists, you will be first on his. 'Nuff said. --But never take advantage of this.
2. You won't be something on the side, or a "booty call". And every woman knows deep down when we are exactly this. Remember, a woman's intuition is a true thing! Listen to it. Act upon it.
3. Every one of his friends will know who you are and what you mean to him. And because they value their friendship with your man, you will be respected in their presence.
4. He will value time spent with you and the memories you made. Perhaps you'll start to notice his collection and safe keeping of items and remembrances that you two have done together.
5. He'll want to take pictures of you and him together. If he has facebook or another networking account, he'll upload them for all to see. (Of course, in the beginning of our relationship, there were certain friends and family members My Indian Man felt he needed to wait and explain our relationship properly to.) I completely understood his reasoning for this.
6. He will be open to talking about the future with you. In fact, he may be the first to bring up the conversation! My Indian Man never suffered convulsions at the mere mentioning of marriage and children. From the very beginning, we expressed our desires for both. So if you know your man wants these things, but hesitates to talk about it with you, you may be his holiday in Goa.
7. He will listen to you. Even when you're rambling. I am always amazed by how intently My Indian Man listens to me. We spent 7 months apart and during that entire period we had to maintain our relationship through the telephone. If there were other things he had rather been doing than talking to me about my day, he never showed it. He held on to every word and responded justly.
8. He won't be dating (or married to) anyone else. This one may seem silly, but you might be surprised how often us women will wait around for a man while he works on "ending" his relationship with another woman. If your man isn't choosing you and only you, he doesn't love you. You are his holiday in Goa.
9. He'll start to love the things you love. My Indian Man didn't have a liking towards dogs when he first met me. In India, dogs are rascals. They can be unclean and dangerous. They annoy you with their constant barking. You have to chase them away with a stick or throw rocks at them to get them off your property. Well guess what? I have two dogs. My Indian Man was fearful of them at first. He was unaccustomed to petting them and feeding them and taking them for car rids. But now it is second nature to him. He loves them because I love them. He could have refused to have them anywhere near him. But, out of respect for me, he didn't do this.
10. He'll do things for you. And not because he only wants to win back your heart after breaking it with a sledge hammer. I know plenty of women who have men that buy them expensive items, take them out to fancy dinners, show up at their door with flowers or a morning coffee and even take them on an all-expense paid vacations. All of this nonsense when what the woman really desires is his trust and commitment. When I say he will do things for you, I mean simple every day things. Kind gestures. Things that require no expense. Don't be with your man because he does things for you. Be with your man because he's there for you.

And may I throw in one last thing while it is on my mind? Your man will speak nicely to you.So many women, myself included, have been and are being verbally abused in relationships. A man who truly loves, respects, and cares for you and can imagine a future with you, will never use disgusting and hateful words directed at you. He will never fathom calling you such things behind your back, either.

If you feel that you could be your man's holiday in Goa, there are two things you can do right now. You can continue to go on making excuses for your man and hurting yourself in the process, or you can see renewal beyond the horizon, and run for it...run as fast as you can