CHOICES…CONSEQUENCES

In this ever-changing material age,with seemingly complex forces all about us, we sometimes cry out that we are driven by force of circumstances. Yet the fact remains that we do those things which we choose to do.

I read this quote today morning and it hit me like an unexpected slap! It made so many things clear. As I thought of the many times I have blamed the circumstances around me of not being able to do certain things or the reason why I did others but then I realize that in doing one or not doing the other, that time was spent doing something else and so in reality what it is is that I chose something else over another and circumstance is just an excuse not to look bad or simply a way not to take responsibility. I was about to write to my Pastor about my absence in church and mainly the praise and worship team and I was going to blame the circumstances I am currently in as the reason but after reading this statement, I held back on my statement and realized I just had to say it as; call a spade a spade and deal with the consequences.

I think why most of the time we blame circumstances is because of the bad habit we have formed as human beings of not taking responsibility and instead always having a scape-goat to try and not ruin our image or deal with the consequences of our actions.They say even not making a choice is adecision.So, we are always making decisions, whether we recognize them as decisions or not and we may have an excuse for the why or why not but other people will somehow see it as just that, anexcuse.Some may understand but some will see it for what it is;an excuse.

And so today I make a conscious decision to always be conscious about the choices I am making and every time before I blame a circumstance/ situation for my action, to analyse and find out what decision I did make that is keeping me from doing the other.I may not turn out to be a favourite of many but at least I will be keeping my truth; that which I know is the real reason why A cannot happen is because B is happening. In taking up this cause, I am sure it will help me be real and honest with everyone and the god thing about the truth is that it sets you free.

And about being honest, I finally put to rest the fight of trying to get back to being friends with someone who betrayed my trust so badly.I have tried talking myself into liking them as much as I did and maybe even making them a part of my life but my conscious has refused.Do I hate them? Far from it.I did forgive but there cannot be friendship or relationship without trust and so there is no need for pretence.That ship is like the Titanic; it went and sunk in the Atlantic Ocean and it cannot be salvaged. I realize that we complicate life for ourselves; that the sooner we are honest with ourselves first and then with those around us, the easier and simpler life becomes.

With these very few words, I take a bow.

LOST

Today,I wish I could disappear.I wish I could change my number;move to a new place where no one knows me and start afresh.I feel like I have made one too many mistakes.I have lost some amazing friendships,I have been involved in some complicated relationships.I still have some awesome friends in my life but it really is not about them,is it?Its not about the people I’ve met and lost or met and kept.It’s about me and the life that God has entrusted me with and what I do with it daily.Every decision I make today affects my tomorrow;it changes how my tomorrow looks like and that’s really what’s up.So what choices am I making today?

Allowing myself to be the place where people can come and forget about their worries and have a good time.I behave like I am a drug;and like a drug,I am a temporal situation to some;a feel good solution when nothing is working or when people want to take the steam off their crazy lives.I have been playing that role well because as much as I shout it outside,I don’t believe in my worth.I lower my standards so that other people can validate me because somehow I think I need it.

Don’t get me wrong,I know it all in theory,actually I can get you from where I am to where you will love yourself in a matter of seconds,(exaggeration intended) but I cannot do that for myself.I am not that amazing friend to myself and I’m afraid I’m not sure I know how to be one;to myself.

Take this blog for example.It still surprises me when I get new followers,despite the fact that my writing has been applauded since I was like 12.My English teachers have somehow always used my writings as an example in school but still,I get surprised.It could be the whole being modest thing;not wanting it all to get to my head but I don’t think that’s it for me.

My closest friends seem to be far and busy and I feel like I can no longer access them as easily as I used before.So does that mean I am the only one who cares that much?I doubt it;I think what it is is I value people more than I value myself and so I easily betray myself to be there for others.

I write coz it frees me.I love writing because it has been the one ‘friend’ that has always been there;in good and bad times;always readily available.Writing is never too busy that I can’t reach it and yet,it is also a mirror.It shows me the true refelection of myself or at least what I think that is.It mirrors what I feel inside that at times I cannot say in words.Speech is very difficult for me.Id choose written over spoken word every day and probably because it feels like a safe place.

I am afraid of heartbreaks;afraid of upsetting the status quo,so I just play along,in roles that don’t really work for me.I play along because I am afraid of ruffling feathers and not being able to deal with the aftermath.The fear of the unknown imprisons me in the comfort of the known that most often than not is detrimental to my existence.

What is happiness to me?It is the state of being comfortable in my own skin and not being apologetic about it.And what is it not?happiness is not being dependent on outside forces to feel okay.

I know what I need to do.Question is,am I brave enough to deal with the aftermath that will follow?Truth,I don’t know.

Belief in self I believe is one of the greatest gifts you can give to yourself-this,not being dependent on what everyone else around you thinks.When you believe in yourself,you can do anything you set out to do and you can stand up to anyone because you know you can.

I have had issues with this and I have flu

ctuated between self belief and doubt,keeping in mind that I will quote the Bible and say ‘I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.’I have said it and not believed it at times and thank the Lord for awesome friends who at times believe me on my behalf and don’t allow me to settle for less.

Ever heard of a saying ‘you teach others how to treat you’?Because you do and so people will deal with you at the level they find you when they meet you.That is why when I find I don’t like how someone treats me,I take a step back and analyse my part in that play!How have I been acting around them?Did I do or say anything to make them think it is okay for them to treat me like they did?More often than not,that answer is yes.Tyrese once posted a video on facebook talking about ‘what you accept,you expect’.
If you accept disrespect,don’t get shocked when it happens.The first time someone does something that does not sit well with you,that’s one time too many.You need to call them out and give it to them straight.’You talked to me this way and I did not appreciate.Don’t let it happen again’

You need boundaries around and about you.You need to know your bottom line and if someone crosses your boundaries,well,you need to be speaking another language with them.When you believe in yourself and your awesomess,you will very much be able to say ‘move along’ without twiching and it does not mean some of these decisions won’t hurt,but why you wanna be with/hang around someone who does not treat you the way you expect?

The power is in your hands,to live the kind of life you want to;always remember that.It is in your hands and don’t you give it away to anyone,no matter how amazing they look as we are all human and to err is part of who we are.Next time you find yourself complaining about how badly someone is treating you,take a seat back and find out what your role was in that and once you do,change it ,pick yourself up and build that electric fence of boundaries up and be so sure of yourself that you be ready to let go of or move along without some people who try to ‘break in’.

Do not allow,hence enabling bad habits and then complain about it later.Remember,what you accept,you expect!

THE BEST KIND OF LOVE

Love has soo many aspects to it that we forget to see the more uncommon forms of love.  If we look for defination of love, we will find many. All arising from our ow feelings and experience.   This story intrigues me on many levels. I cannot help but have very strong emotions related to this. By no means can i remain an impartial observer. 


Suraj was a young man of 23 and belonged to a good family,  he met his wife, when he was this age and fell in love with her. Being young and not very cautious he got his then girlfriend pregnant. To make a log story short due to family pressures he married Nanandi.  Got a job, supported his wife and his parents and raised 2 daughters.  He struggled to give his family the best he could and has been successful in doing so. Many things happen in a  lifetime, now 25 years later, Suraj is still a devoted father a committed husband and a successful business man. From the outside looking in theirs is a perfect fairy tale marriage, with  happy ending.  Nothing in life is this simple.  
Suraj is a unhappy man, who has closed  big part of himself off.  His wife long ago stopped loving him and became bitter with the struggles she had to faced as a married woman. He has made the focus of his life his daughters. they are what keep him going.  Everyone sees them as a perfect couple and its an image they have worked hard to maintain. Having a comfortable home is not enough for any human, the home has to have love and tenderness and joy with it, and this was a compromise he had made.  
Nanandi in her place is also not a happy woman, marrying Suraj took her from the affluent lifestyle she was used to, and her husband working all hours to make a living took away the romantic notions that were in her head.  She made  a beautiful home for him and her daughters,  and became a perfect wife in the eyes of the world.  but like Suraj she also lost her inner being, she lives a life knowing her husband does not love her. This makes her bitter and resentful and she makes it known to him that he is not good enough.  and he by his
non response or calm attitude shows her , he doesn't care.


25 years of someones life spent like this.  It seems sad to me.  tragic in fact.   But take another look!!  you will see an abundance of love. Just not our typical kind of love.  This brings me to my first thought, what is love.  personally i think it is when someone Else's happiness is more important than your own.  Has Nanandi not shown that, despite a part of her dying inside, she has remained faithful to him and has raised their daughters and given him a perfect home. she did not bail out and in a strange way put his happiness above her own.   Look at suraj, building a life for the woman he claims he doesn't love.  when all is said and done, the daughters r settled in their own homes, it is just the 2 of them. and unconsciously he is building this life for her.   He too has put the hapiness of his daughters and wife above his own.  he as well could have ran from this, he didn't, he has made sure his wife has a social standing, lacks nothing and has respect.  Is this not love?


I am not going to address the love of both of them for their daughters that is obvious and a given. lucky daughters!!.


The only difference here is that Suraj has a woman he loves a lot.  Lalita is a young girl, who is crazy about suraj, she is aware suraj is married and will never leave his wife.  This is where my heart strings are pulled viciously.  To me this is love, accepting without wanting to change the other person.  I am not any ones judge.  To me its not a right or wrong issue, its a very human issue of person who is hurting and craving something, which is fulfilled by an unconventional way.  Ideally these 2 Suraj and Nanandi should be fulfilling this is each other.  But if all of us were such good judges we wouldn't have domestic violence or divorce.  People make mistakes, and loving someone is different than living with them.  Suraj can feel guilt but the need to be loved is the most binding thing there is and in this i hope Lalita stays with him a long time and they find, what they need.


I will end this on a poignant note.  I asked SURAJ.....when you are sad you daughters will notice it....one day they might come and ask.." Dad why didn't you leave mom and chose to be happy".........His answer made me cry.  he said by the time my youngest daughter will be married i will be older and may even have grand kids...so the rest of my life will be spent loving them........................I do not know if i call this a good life or a bad life.  But it is a persons journey and i would say it is a life well lived.


I wish all three people in this to be happy, they deserve it.  I am only happy suraj found someone to love him.

THOUGHTS ON MARRIAGE

I got married to my husband because I fell in love with him… My mom always said that love is not enough to make a marriage work, you need to find someone whose faults you can live with… I used to tell anyone who would listen what my mom always said to me and I believed it with all my heart. Until I found out some of my husband’s faults that he had kept hidden from me. Now I think that my mom was wrong…. You shouldn’t marry the person you can live with… you should marry the person you can’t live without……

More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse. I do not regret getting married to my husband, however, I do regret things I have done during our marriage. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. Albert Einstein once said,      “Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.”

Anything that a person is forced to change about himself or herself; will eventually revert to the way it was before the change was coerced. When change is unwillingly imposed on a person, it causes resentment. While at the same time, refusal to adhere to reasonable modifications can produce just as much resentment.

I have no idea why society makes it more difficult to acquire a license to drive a car than they do to obtain a license to get married. Being in a marriage is far more dangerous than operating a vehicle. I strongly believe that couples should be required to pass a test to prove that they are in agreement with each other concerning essential, conjugal fundamentals. We impose age restrictions on individuals because the consumption of alcohol requires mature decision making abilities, yet the only maturity level required to get married is independence from custodial guidance, regardless of whether the independence is deserved.

Remember that a successful marriage depends on two things… finding the right person and most importantly, being the right person.

A MOTHERS THOUGHTS

ALL I DO IS LISTEN BUT THIS IS  A MOM IN AGONY FOR HER CHILD.  FIRST IT BREAKS MY HEART, THEN I CRY, AND THEN I PRAY THAT I AM BEING JUST WHAT I CAN BE TO HER....JUST A VERY HELPLESS FRIEND.
THIS IS KAREN'S JOURNEY HER THOUGHTS..

Things I never thought I would do, say, or hear:

I was wheeling my daughter through the airport coming home from the craniocervical fusion. She is in a wheelchair, two foot long incision complete with stitches and staples, in a cervical collar. Someone comes up to me and says, "is there something wrong with her?".

I have prayed for vomit. When I first learned that Nicole would continue to go down hill until she had her skull fused to her neck, I prayed for vomit. If you have to crump, do it now, let's get this over with. Start vomiting and they will fix you right now. Forget the traction stuff. Please God give me vomit. She started vomiting! How many people get prayers of vomit answered? Wait a minute. How many people have ever prayed for their child to start throwing up?

I have stood in line at the grocery store and envisioned an MRI image of the brain of the person in front of me. I have thought, what do your brain tonsils look like? How big is your cerebellum? Does everything fit in there? Somewhat akin to how one would casually glance at the size of someone's butt and try to fit it into the realm of the bell curve of butt size. Now we won't admit we do this but we all do such things....... It feels normal to look at people heads and envision the brain within. I don't look at people butts or hair any more. Just their brains.

 I have looked at the back of my kids head and immediately thought of Frankenstein. I think she has more stitches in her head.

I have thought of installing a permanent zipper, or some sort of more permanent opening devise to try and avoid the multiple incisions every time they have to go back in. Velcro? Automatic garage door type hatch?

I have lived some scenes of my life that I think are actually misplaced scenes from a movie, and they were not really happening to me. The "stop the plane my child is dying" episode recently comes to mind as my kid was spiraling into a dangerous place fast, just as they closed the hatch door on the plane. We got off the plane and went to the ER. Nicole rapidly dropping her oxygen sats and her eyes rolling into her head in the ICU and everyone rushing in with fury like in an episode of ER. Every bell and beeping devise imaginable is ringing. She only stopped breathing for a short while they say..... This isn't really happening to me........must be a movie. Can I rewind now?

I keep strange statistics in my head that seem normal to me. 23 hours of brain surgery total, (oh...28 if you add in Kristina's surgery). 5 days in the ICU this time, not 2 like the last time, 1 the last two times. 42 stitches. 18 stitches. 5 brain surgeries on two teenagers this year. 25 days without eating. 1 kidney, 3 heart, 4 brain surgeries. What's next? 

GUIDING ANGELS AMONG US

One morning Maila woke up with a start. She had seen a vivid dream of a child. She could not remember was the child a boy or a girl, all she could remember were the huge big tired eyes of a lonely child pleading for love and the voice that cried out "Find me!"

Maila was one of those people who used all her free time to help others. You could see her feeding old people at the old people´s homes. She was the one who pushed the wheelchairs of those the nurses and families had no time for. She made sure everyone got a spin on the dance floor at the wheel-chair dance events of the old and handicapped. She sat by the bedside of the old and dying, and attended their funerals when no one else came.

She showered everyone with tiny gifts. She wrote poems and songs. She had the biggest heart and hug - and she had the blessing on healing hands. She cured many ailments with her touch and prayer, and did it all in quiet, never bragging about it. The others did that for her even though she would have wanted to do her helping without raising attention to herself. But it is hard to keep an angel a secret and so the word spread, bringing even more people in need of help to her attention. And she helped them all.

Still, even though she was used to people in distress, she was shaken by the dream of the tired eyes. Who was this lonely child that was calling for her? Where could she find him or her?

Because of her frequent visits at the hospitals and old people´s homes she had made many friends among the nurses. She told of her dream to one of them. Maila had no driver´s license and this nurse immediately said she would drive her around as long as it took Maila to find the lonely child of her dream. The nurse was certain the child would be in an institution. It made sense because Maila was spending all her time in such institutions.

And so they started searching. First they drove to every local hospital and institution where there were children. They visited the wards and met the children. Maila felt awkward because she had no idea what the child would look like. All she could do was to trust her feelings. She did not find her child.

Then they started driving in ever expanding circles, going to other towns and cities. They did this for weeks. The tired eyes of her dream were vivid in Maila´s mind. She was not going to give up her search. Somewhere there was a soul who had cried out for her and she would find that child.

Then one day they decided to visit an institution for severly handicapped children that was located 70 km away. This institution housed children that were so badly handicapped they could not be taken care of at home. Many of the children had been abandoned as babies. There were stories of mothers who never told their new husbands they had had a handicapped child.

Maila felt such sorrow when she saw these children. Most of them could not talk or move on their own. They were sitting or lying in their beds with stick thin crooked limbs. The nurses here were wonderful and tried to do their best to keep the children happy and show them love. But like everywhere else - there was never enough nurses to tend to them all with the love they so needed. The nurses also had tired eyes.

They walked into yet another room. Maila looked around and greeted the children even though she knew they could not answer her.

And then she saw the tired eyes she had been looking for. Huge violet blue eyes staring at her from a bed. They belonged to a girl who was as light as a whisper, thin, crooked. She looked like a little beautiful butterfly someone had crushed and tossed away. She could not speak but looked at Maila with such longing in her eyes Maila recognized her immediately.

Maila went to her, stroked her shiny dark short hair and kissed her on the cheek.

- There you are! she said, - I finally found you!

And the girls eyes were so full of joy no one dared to doubt they were meant to find each other. All the love she could not express with her words, was written in her eyes